October is here
familyfriendsself-worthperformance reviewsIVFIrelandCovidMy last update was in June, so clearly I'm keeping up with the whole spirit of this being a sometimes-weekly-but-often-whenever notes place. I have another update to make this month though, so you can expect the update after this one to come soon.
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At the end of June and into July, I went to Ireland to see family and to go to a friend's wedding. Lucy and I took the ferry, and I had a mega-cold for day or so before. I did so many Covid tests, I thought I was willing myself to get it.
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My collection of negative tests, Lucy and I made it to Dublin on 29th June and Lucy was just the most chill person ever, driving through central Dublin. We drove to Galway, via the old Dublin-Galway Road, we stopped along the way to buy strawberries. It reminded me of the many trips in the car as a child, summer meant stopping for potatoes or strawberries in the stalls along the roads.
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Whilst in Galway we spent time with my folks, cooked nice food, went on nice walks and did some DIY. Lucy built my folks a wood-store from scrap wood they had knocking around. I dug a hole for a pond and planted a small wild flower bed with Dad. It was lovely and peaceful.
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Around 3rd July we drove toward Cavan for my friend's wedding. We linked up with my friend Laura, and we went for walks and a swim in the lake nearby. It was windy and cold, but refreshing.
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As the wedding rolled on I slowly got to meet university friends, some of whom I hadn't seen since 2007. It was a real blast from the past. At the dinner, I sat next to Scott, the groom's brother-in-law. He is a blacksmith, and was feeling pretty nervous having to be in a suit, and be formal with lots of folks about. We immediately bonded, with the help of the very nice red wine, and spent the whole rest of the meal talking about life. I made a friend for life.
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I stayed up until like 7am first dancing, then singing and basically squeezing the max out of the party. I did not feel so great the next day. I thought for a while I gave myself whiplash on the dance floor, yes I committed that heavily to the dancing. It turns out there were people in the wedding party, isolating in their rooms, who had Covid. As luck would have it, after we dropped Laura to the airport, I did a test and hey-presto, after two years of at least one very close call, I got covid.
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I am so kind, I thought I'd share covid with Lucy. Neither of us felt amazing, though with the many jabs, it hopefully made things significantly less bad. I was just glad neither of us gave it to my parents. We got home to Swindon and suffered through covid in a heatwave, not so fun.
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At work in July/August, I went through mid-year performance review time. The one in May was basically me just passing probation and getting some nice feedback. People are very kind. I have to be honest though, this time around I was very worried about performance reviews.
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In thinking about all this worry around review time, I began to be able to articulate all the feelings I had, in coming from a place of work where I knew everyone well enough to get an idea of how I was doing, so I never felt too surprised by feedback. In my new job, I became all of a sudden convinced people didn't like me or that I was doing a bad job. A lot of this is down to imposter syndrome. Why is it I will always believe the worst for myself, but the absolute best for everyone else? I spoke to my manager, and felt incredibly vulnerable about saying how I didn't feel like I knew where I stood. They put my mind at ease, but there was still this waiting period to get the actual 360 feedback.
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When it came to the review, my feedback was some of the best I've ever gotten, and I felt really silly for all my worries. I won't share the feedback here, but after leaving the FT to join this my second ever job in tech, I felt very happy and like I know what i'm doing. I gave myself some time to wonder why I was so able to be so convinced that feedback would be bad, because there's something in that.
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In September until now, I've been really engaged with working on a new project in work that we started in July. I will be able to say a little more after 19th October, until then it is all-hands on deck to make sure things are ready and in a good place.
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Lucy and I have started IVF, and we attend this amazing support group each week that has been such a help to me. There is so much you have to learn, and do, in order to advocate for your family. The scans, the poking, the being told that you're over the hill, and not a great age for having kids, in all the medical speak, is a lot to take. But Lucy and take it on and support each other. Then we chain watch Voyager.
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I'm sure there are lots more things to update on, and a lot will certainly come to me after I've pushed this post. I've learned a bunch of things this past few months. Professionally and personally. I go to therapy every week, I work on things, I try to be kind and create space to just be myself. I know a lot of people reading this will cringe at this, because being faced with a raw admission of emotion or a vulnerability can feel almost painful, but I am enough.
On repeat
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